You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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