if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
