her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im six kinds of drunk right now
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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