listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
