Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
