My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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