I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
