no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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