Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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