Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
