he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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