Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
