My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
