i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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