I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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