My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My vagina is very pro this idea
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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