I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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