Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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