I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
