Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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