Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
