I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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