Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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