just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
