Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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