He had one of those small greek statue penises
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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