Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
