Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
