I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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