I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
