i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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