Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
