Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
