I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
