you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
