dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
