Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
