if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
