Jerry, you need to find god
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I have post one night stand depression
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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