If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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