I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
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you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
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Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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