I wish I only lived at night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
