come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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