It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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