All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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