All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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