my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
