Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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