I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
