According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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