Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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