My liver just broke up with me...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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