Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
