Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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