I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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