it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
