I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
