I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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