so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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