no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I deserve this hangover.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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